We need a talk.
Hi guys, I hope you're all doing well.
I wanted to sit down and have a talk with you guys and kind of just get some things off my chest.
So if you don't want to listen to my sadness, please feel free to move away from this page.
Recently, things have been utterly, utterly, rubbish.
I skimmed over things a little bit in my last blog but I felt it was time I sat down and really got stuff out, writing things down has always helped me and this blog is more for me than anyone else. However, it's nice to know sometimes other people feel the same way as you do,
I have spent a lot of time feeling like there is no-one there for me recently, or there is a very small number of people that are.
Now that sounds like my boyfriend has left me but that is very much incorrect. In fact he's one of the very few people who I find myself being picked up by on my very dark days.
I feel lonely.
I feel lonely because I have lost some of my closest friends for many reasons. These reasons are somewhat my fault, but I do not believe anything is one sided and so I believe some of these reasons are also somewhat theirs too.
Now I'm not blaming anyone and I'm not saying I'm perfect because I'm not and I've made a lot of mistakes recently but I've tried to fix these, and damn hard too. But it comes to a point where you sit back, realise you're the only one making effort and realising it maybe just isn't worth it anymore.
The worst thing is that I have ended up stuck between a rock and a hard place and have had to just walk away. I ended up making myself feel so much worse trying to fix things and just being completely ignored and pushed to one side than by accepting things and feeling a bit sad for a while. Because while I was trying to make things better I was making myself feel worse while everyone else was fine and didn't seem to even care.
I remember I was sat at home one night with Aidan, after weeks of not being able to sleep and not saying anything because I just didn't want to talk about it, and I just went quiet and didn't say much. When Aidan knew something was on my mind, he just turned to me and questioned me to tell him what was wrong and I just broke down. I sobbed and sobbed about how lonely I felt and how I had no friends and no-one cared about me (I know that I was being a little over-dramatic but this was how I felt after being run down for so long). I just stood there and told him how pathetic I felt and how I just wanted everything to be how they were and fix everything. He didn't say a lot that helped because he's a silly who is bad with crying people, bless him, but he listened and that's what I needed. To know he was there.
It's really tough accepting that some people change and are not what you thought or things were not as they seemed, but I was making myself feel so much worse trying to make things go back to how they were when they are probably never going to.
I still feel like I am a really bad person because it has come to a point where a lot of my 'friends' no longer think about me or how I feel etc. All I really do need is someone to check up on me, to know that someone genuinely does care and know I'm not okay and I know I have friends that do that but it's still hard to not feel the way I do, especially when you feel like you've gone above and beyond and been made out to feel so useless. I feel like I'm in a constant spiral of feeling alone, then great for a while and then back in this dark, horrid loneliness again and I wish it would end. I want to be able to come out on the other side and stay there, not find myself back here because it sucks.
All I can really say I guess is thank you tot he people who have been there, it has been needed and appreciated, a lot.
Guys, I'm sorry for the abrupt ending and the sad post, I just needed to vent.
Lots of love,
Lottie xxx
I wanted to sit down and have a talk with you guys and kind of just get some things off my chest.
So if you don't want to listen to my sadness, please feel free to move away from this page.
Recently, things have been utterly, utterly, rubbish.
I skimmed over things a little bit in my last blog but I felt it was time I sat down and really got stuff out, writing things down has always helped me and this blog is more for me than anyone else. However, it's nice to know sometimes other people feel the same way as you do,
I have spent a lot of time feeling like there is no-one there for me recently, or there is a very small number of people that are.
Now that sounds like my boyfriend has left me but that is very much incorrect. In fact he's one of the very few people who I find myself being picked up by on my very dark days.
I feel lonely.
I feel lonely because I have lost some of my closest friends for many reasons. These reasons are somewhat my fault, but I do not believe anything is one sided and so I believe some of these reasons are also somewhat theirs too.
Now I'm not blaming anyone and I'm not saying I'm perfect because I'm not and I've made a lot of mistakes recently but I've tried to fix these, and damn hard too. But it comes to a point where you sit back, realise you're the only one making effort and realising it maybe just isn't worth it anymore.
The worst thing is that I have ended up stuck between a rock and a hard place and have had to just walk away. I ended up making myself feel so much worse trying to fix things and just being completely ignored and pushed to one side than by accepting things and feeling a bit sad for a while. Because while I was trying to make things better I was making myself feel worse while everyone else was fine and didn't seem to even care.
I remember I was sat at home one night with Aidan, after weeks of not being able to sleep and not saying anything because I just didn't want to talk about it, and I just went quiet and didn't say much. When Aidan knew something was on my mind, he just turned to me and questioned me to tell him what was wrong and I just broke down. I sobbed and sobbed about how lonely I felt and how I had no friends and no-one cared about me (I know that I was being a little over-dramatic but this was how I felt after being run down for so long). I just stood there and told him how pathetic I felt and how I just wanted everything to be how they were and fix everything. He didn't say a lot that helped because he's a silly who is bad with crying people, bless him, but he listened and that's what I needed. To know he was there.
It's really tough accepting that some people change and are not what you thought or things were not as they seemed, but I was making myself feel so much worse trying to make things go back to how they were when they are probably never going to.
I still feel like I am a really bad person because it has come to a point where a lot of my 'friends' no longer think about me or how I feel etc. All I really do need is someone to check up on me, to know that someone genuinely does care and know I'm not okay and I know I have friends that do that but it's still hard to not feel the way I do, especially when you feel like you've gone above and beyond and been made out to feel so useless. I feel like I'm in a constant spiral of feeling alone, then great for a while and then back in this dark, horrid loneliness again and I wish it would end. I want to be able to come out on the other side and stay there, not find myself back here because it sucks.
All I can really say I guess is thank you tot he people who have been there, it has been needed and appreciated, a lot.
Guys, I'm sorry for the abrupt ending and the sad post, I just needed to vent.
Lots of love,
Lottie xxx
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